Money Cat

(no subject)

I've avoided being a depressed crybaby on here for more than a year. Good for me, I guess. Today is moving day sort of. I am leaving Shandie's house and going to a house rented by Sean, my dad, and Adrian. At least I think Adrian is supposed to live there, but it seems like my dad wants to pull some stupid shady BS with Adrian maybe? I don't even know. I'd be okay leaving with Adrian, Sean and my dad, for the most part. Sean is a slob, and since he comes from a privileged background, doesn't know how to clean up after himself for crap. I quit cleaning the kitchen since I was the only one to do it. It now smells a lot like fertilizer, and ants have taken over. No one seems to notice or care, but it bugs the crap out of me, but Adrian sometimes gets sick of the nonsense and has taken to cleaning Sean's room, so he is the counterbalance.
My dad, who the hell knows what he is thinking. I got him out of prison, but I still can't see the universe with the same rose coloured glasses he seems to view things with. It bugs the crap out of me too. I think it's my own problem though. He thinks things are just going to somehow magically work out, whereas I try to plan for every freakin' eventuality I can think of. He doesn't plan at all, leaves things to the last freakin' minute just like a child. I hate it. And I can't see things as just going to work out, I KNOW the effort involved in making things that are bad at least reasonable again. Though I have tried to impress upon him the amount of effort I have tried to put in to make things right, he seems to think it's fine, and he just doesn't seem to get it.
Typing this crap out seems to be making me feel less depressed and less like holing away in a dark closet somewhere to go cry by myself. I'm tired. I want a job. The people around me who seem to have taken not [planning and laziness to new heights anger and depress me. It probably doesn't help that I keep playing the Foo Fighters song Exhausted over and over again either, though I feel that way. I haven't gotten enough sleep for the last seven... years? That's okay, I'm planning on taking 2012 off to rest up a bit. =D
Most of my stuff is all packed away. Kind of easy when all one's worldly remaining possessions will fit into four oversized military duffel bags, I suppose. It does make moving really easy though.
I just want a place to myself, so I can just be left alone. A place I can just pay for on my own, not tell anyone about, be solitary if I want to. LEAVE ME ALONE WORLD!
Sleepy weepy depressed doing my best to fight it off with a grim expression and no depression. I didn't mean for that to become a free style rap, normally I don't care about any of that crap.
Also, my eyes seem to have gotten worse. That's scary. I have no means to do anything about that, though, so I can just hope I get robot eyes, or maybe I can become a Terminator soon. =\

Also, I really hope there is internet where I go next.
  • Current Music
    Foo Fighters - Exhausted
Money Cat

(no subject)

You know, reflecting on this 'journal', such as it is, and its repository for my miserable lows, I swear I am not a whiny, self centered, emo kid most of the time. Admittedly, I go to a dark place sometimes, but most of the time I take the hits life throws at me, shrug them off, and give a bloodied grin and thumbs up. I mean, I walked around on a broken ankle for two freakin' days trying to tough it out. I complain a lot, but I usually complain while I'm trying to do something about that which I am complaining.
In short, I keep the part of me that wants to be a whiny little bitch to myself for the most part, while to the rest of the world I'm just Miles.
Money Cat

(no subject)

As per usual, this LJ entry shall be a repository for misery. I have been drinking tonight, though no more than a 6 pack of Guinness has been consumed, still my life and situation and circumstances (am I being redundant much? Probably a bit, yup) lead me to post once again. I'm sorry. No one needs to hear how miserable I am right now, but I feel compelled to put it down on the record, in hopes of expunging it from my system, but that never works. Less than a week ago I managed to break my ankle. The details are unimportant at this time. I have a broken ankle. Fucksocks. My dad, he is still in prison. I need to get him a care package, becuase, well, he's in fucking prison. I know he has used me for a financial resource in the past, and he is still doing that today. Just hearing in his voice the concern (really, he sounded concerned? Oh yeah, not really) for my dilema versus his need for stuff, I am suddenly filled even m more with the desire to do nothing more than find a convenient corner and weep. Fuck weakness, fuck the pain my ankle brings me, fuck everyone that wonders why I keep killing myself to help my dad, results are what matter damn it. My ankle hurts. I can't take care of myself even as well as I used to be able to. I mean, clearly I already can't tae care of myself, I am staying with my youngest brother's exgirlfriend (that's not awkward at all, no really)! Unemployment, now I can't even sneak out every morning to avoid the grandmother, as Shandie is not supposed to have people stay over. I hate myself and my life enough to just want to kill myself right now. I am sick and tired of faking being happy and okay just this moment. Of course, I am going to go to sleep, and get up again tomorrow in intense pain, and fake my way through yet another day and pretend I am a-okay, but man, right now, fuck, I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't think I really want to kill myself, it must be some sort of knee jerk reaction to pain and helplessness and everything else, but.. Crap. I'll probably even regret this posting tomorrow. I just want to sleep and not have to worry about ever waking up ever again. I suck so hard. =(
  • Current Mood
    Miserable
Money Cat

(no subject)

I am sad, lonely and scared. I wish I had a grasp on my fate. I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I knew what tomorrow would bring. I want to cry but I'm afraid to right now, especially now, when I need my brave face.
  • Current Music
    Genesis - Paperlate
Money Cat

Possible reprieve

The person I had hoped would have a good idea, he has. Hope has, for once, paid off. Thank God, thank whatever for this. If I am careful, and diligent, I can make this work. And I keep an exceptionally low profile.
This will not solve the majority of the problems I have, but it might just in some small part undo some of the damage I have recently caused.

Then I am out. I quit being Miles. It's hilarious that watching a bad movie a few days ago can lead to an epiphany now, but I need to let things go, and once this is over, I know I need to start letting things go, or it's gonna kill me.
Matt is going to be sad to see me quit being Miles, but I think I absolutely have to if I am to improve my situation at all.
And who knows who I will get to be when I'm not Miles anymore. =D Mild mannered Clark Kent has always been who I jokingly say I'm going to be.
Money Cat

(no subject)

I have absolutely fucked up. Now I am not only hurting myself, I am hurting other people as well. It doesn't matter that it's not on purpose, the end results are all that matter. If killing myself could solve this problem I would do so in a heartbeat. I have all the tools necessary to do that. I need to find a solution first. Maybe then I can just quit being Miles. Maybe I'll go be Robbie or someone, someone who is my dynamic opposite, maybe then everything I come into contact with won't be damaged anymore.
I wrack my brain, but I am just not clever enough to figure this one out. I am a big crybaby on the inside, but I know this is all my fault. I can't explain it to anyone else really, but I am a failure in so many ways right now, and I have no choice but to take it, do some kind of damage control. I HAVE to redeem myself. My dad in jail, Devon's heart devastated, Dzung's family problems, what have I done? I know it's not all my fault, except for a big portion of the last one, but it seems like there is nothing I can do about any of this. I want to go into great detail and I can't even do that.
I can't find the one person that MAY be able to come up with some sort of feasible plan to help me figure this out. I hate to say this, but I am just not smart enough to do this on my own. I have to do something. I have to redeem myself somehow. It's that or say goodbye to things that mean too much to me to let go. How could I have been such a fuck up? Of course, I was too arrogant for my own good. I really am Starscream, failing Megatron yet again. How could I have done this? HOW HOW HOW?
Of course I know exactly how. I was trying to be a smart cowboy saving the day, and my pride and confidence that I knew exactly how to deal with something screwed me over. The worst part is, others have given up on me. I guess the locus of my self really is focused outward. I am valueless unless I can fix this. I can't even kill myself and make this better I HAVE to find a way to fix this, and not just for my own self esteem.

I hate myself, but I don't want to die. Unless it meant I could rest and not have to worry about any more stress, and it made everything all better.
Maybe I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this either.

How could I have been, and how can I BE so stupid?

It can't be true that there is really nothing I can do about this. It just can't be, can it? Please say it's not true, and lend a hand!
Money Cat

(no subject)

At most you can save yourself and one other person.

That was a line (or very close to the line) in Legend of Mana.

I can't save myself right now, and not even sure I want to. I don't think I have a choice, my body is far to resilient for someone like me to be able to destroy it. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's not.

Devon isn't going to go to Seth's for two weeks. I'm really worried, and I think he should go there sooner, like this past Saturday.
I can't save myself, I don't want to save myself anymore, but I think it would kill me if I failed to save someone else.
And that might be the only thing I could truly regret anymore.
Money Cat

Tired, of many many things.

I went to the doctors today. My cholesterol and Hemoglobin A1c results and all that, make sure I continue to stay alive. My HA1c was 7.4, up .01 points from six months ago. Ideally it should be less than seven, but every time since the first (which was like a 9.3), I've been at 7.1, then 7.2, then 7.3.... so I'm getting worse but really really slowly. My overall Cholesterol is in the range if borderline high, in the high end of the borderline high, but still not to the high level. My blood pressure is just under stage one hypertension, but it was under, so I guess I;m okay? I s'pose I should stop eating egg yolks?
I don't know if I should attmept to re-embrace humanity, or go all out and reject it and my soul as much as possible. I'm just so very tired right now, and depressed, and maybe, just maybe this depression isn't something I ca John Wayne tough it out this time. I'm tired of being me, I'm tired of making an effort, I'm just tired. I just want to go to sleep forever, literally. Lay down, shut my eyes and never wake back up, fulfill the remainder of my life in dreams. That would certainly be one of my three wishes, I think. My third after the basic health wealth and happiness package. Except instead of happiness, I choose sleep.
I guess I'm not dying fast enough.
Also I am so very sleepy right now. I hate that it took me a whole day to accomplish what would have taken me like two hours to accomplish at the apartments. Wake up at seven. Leave by 7:30 to walk the mile and some change to the nearest bus stop. It's not bad outside yet, not in the 100's like it will be in another hour yet. Bright as heck, but what do I expect walking into the sun. Get off the bus at 10:40. Walk another mile and change. Show up late for my doctor's appointment, because I either forgot that I had more than a mile to walk from the bus stop, or I severely overestimated my walking speed. Wait about a hundred minutes, because I was twenty minutes late for my appointment, and the doc had gone to lunch. (I don't blame him, lunch is important). Walk another mile and some change to the pharmacy. Joke around with the pharmacist and his assistant. (I'll miss them, it's nice how they always remember my name, even though they remember it backwards and call me 'Grant' instead of 'Miles'. I guess I make an impression on people whether I try to or not.) Walk another mile and a half to the bus stop again. Get off the bus at 5:30, and my day is shot. I;m not even to the place I'm staying.
So today, I accomplished very little, and now I feel sad, and like sleeping. Maybe tomorrow I'll give crying a try and take it from there. If I can successfully cry, I'll quit trying to become a robot, figuratively. Literally, yes, I still want to be a robot, hook me up with that metal eye with the red LED light. If I fail to be able to cry, then I'll begin shedding off my humanity and soull as much as possible. I don't know what to hope for, but I'm too tired to care, and it's not time to sleep now, and when it is time to sleep I won't be tured, and I'm making a run on sentence just because I can.
~so tired...
  • Current Mood
    tired tired
Money Cat

(no subject)

Self destruction seems like a less viable option when there are others who used to be close to you that you are worried may be a little too close to self destruction themselves. Especially when it's multiple others. I promised not to commit suicide so long as others fail to do so. I cannot promise that I won't do something stupid to get myself killed or otherwise gauge in self destructive activities, but I will not deliberately take my own life through my own hands.


God damn it.


On an entirely different train of thought (maybe not so different)... I'm not entirely certain I want to be dead, but it surely feels as though I've grown weary of being alive. If the Grim Reaper were standing in front of me, I don't know if I'd be able to just easily go with him (my stupid body would probably fight it out, I'm to resilient). I don't want Seth to die (seems a real possibility right now), or Joe to die (less likely, but he seems to be more likely to choose death over fighting for life in certain circumstances). Stupid. I can't remove enough of my humanity.

I didn't tear up when cutting onions the last two days, either. I'm going to have to watch sad videos to see if I have enough humanity, or even enough of a soul, to still cry. Van Halen's 'Right Now' music video seems like a good choice. The Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercial also seems like an excellent choice.

I just don't know whether I want to be able to cry, for the catharsis of it (I think I have desperately needed to cry quite a lot over the last five months), or not be moved because I can function so much better than people who break down and cry.

I think I may know deep down inside, but maybe I'm afraid to reflect on it. Regardless, it's not something I can test any time soon, I'll definitely need to be alone to test this.
Money Cat

(no subject)

In this game called 'The Life of Miles' someone has cheated and given me too many extra lives. I want it to be over now. I've failed, so let me finish it. I would find a way to kill myself now if I knew that everyone in my life wouldn't try to take the credit for it, by blaming themselves or other such nonsense. I want to be done now, no matter how afraid of being dead I am.